Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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