did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
