I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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