Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
