this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
