I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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