so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
