If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
