The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
