if i can run in heels then i can drive
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
