I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
