She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
