Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize