Already got asked if we're dating
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
