There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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