I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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