Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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