if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
