I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
