The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
