Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
