I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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