He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
