i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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