the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize