i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
