the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
