chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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