I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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