My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
