I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
