Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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