Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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