Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
