I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
