Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
