She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
