Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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