you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
