meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
