Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
