Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I need a burrito and a hug.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
