3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
