Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Someone shit on the floor
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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