drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
