Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
