this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i came on her dog
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
