love makes seman taste better
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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