Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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