there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
