I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you will always have a special place in my vag
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
