I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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