even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
