Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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