She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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