matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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