it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize