I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
