Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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