if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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