I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
