I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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