u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
