can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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