I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
