when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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