I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
