I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
