rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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