It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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