The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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