Yo dont text me then not text me
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
