she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
