I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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